Day 3

I feel alone w/this blog

I woke up very early this morning because I couldn’t sleep, took my doggies out to do their business when I decided to make breakfast for myself.  I started to think just how blessed I am because I have a hot meal to eat or that I just have food whereas others don’t, hmm, makes you think.  My husband and I were able to resolve our problem yesterday; he makes a conscience decision to not stay angry where as for me it takes a little longer.  I do have problems saying “I’m sorry” and I think that has to do with my past relationships.  I was constantly telling the men in my past those words because I didn’t want them to leave me and I was so terrified to be alone.  Then along comes this wonderful man into my life and has proven that he is here to stay but in my mind I wonder, “what if he leaves me?”  I don’t want to ever want to go through that pain again; therefore, I disconnect myself so that I don’t have to hurt.  I know it doesn’t make any sense but that’s why I’ve started this blog to face things in life so that I can allowthe healing to begin instead of staying in anger or bitterness.  Well, I hope this will help you face whatever you are going through so that healing can take its place in your life.


4 thoughts on “Day 3

  1. Tri, you don’t have a relationship with your family because it seems that you have built up these walls of anger and unforgiveness around you to protect you from future pain. Allow yourself to make mistakes because, how can you learn otherwise? You can start saying things like “Even if I mess up today, I am still worthy” It is a matter of looking at the big picture. God loves you regardless of your actions, but you have to start to believe it, not just “know it”. But you are already on your way to healing. Admitting what you need is the first step to healing. May I add your blog to my blogroll?

    • Noel, you are correct, I have build a wall my w/dad, stepmom and other family members including ex-friends. I’ve been hurt by them more than I can count and I’ve held on to the anger and bitterness towards them but now I’m ready to change and make a better life for myself. I want to be the best me that I can be, I don’t want to be angry anymore or have unforgiveness in my heart. I’ve been a Christian for a long time, I love the Lord and I get in His word but I was still this person that still had bad personality/character issues. I don’t have the kind of money to go and see a therapist even Christian ones so my husband told me to write my story of my pain on paper and then read it so that I can see what I’m writing and then just maybe this would help me.

      I love writing and would love to become a writer that publishes articles, I haven’t gotten my break yet so I did research and came across another Christian man that started blogging and was making money blogging so I did that in another site and was told that my writing was not good enough to publish and earn an income. I became so discouraged but then I opened an account here w/wordpress and decided I would blog about my pain and I started to blog I began to change, not major changes but how I saw myself. Having you give me advice has also helped me because I know now that I’m on the path of becoming a better person for God, myself and for whatever God has for me. Thank you so very much for your advice and by all means add me to you blogroll, not really sure what that is, still learning about blogging. Blessings to you and your awesome ministry.

  2. Hello Tri, first of all, thank you for visiting my blog and commenting. Regarding this post, it makes perfect sense for you to try to disconnect yourself so that you don’t feel hurt anymore. It is a coping mechanism that people build so that the pain is not repeated. In severe cases, people disconnect completely from others or from specific places that remind them of the bad experience or trauma. Being angry is not a problem, but staying angry for too long can be a problem. When angry, you can do some self evaluation and question what is the reason that you are feeling angry. Making some positive self statements such as “It’s ok to be angry…. but I will feel better later” and “It is not the end of the world” Like you wrote, facing things in this life is the best approach, although difficult. Loneliness is a terrible feeling, but being terrified of it is even worse. The fear of being alone may signify that you need to build more self worth, meaning that you might need to give yourself importance no matter what you accomplish (unlike self-esteem which is to feel good about yourself). Making a list of reasons why you are important may help you to remember that you don’t have to live in fear of being alone. Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound therapeutic.

    • Noel, I can’t thank you enough for the insight that have given me. When I read your comment I knew majority of these things but had forgotten the principles because of my actions. You reminded me of the scripture that has the wages of sin is death. I know that it doesn’t mean I’m going to die immediately but if I continue to sin my heart will die. I would have lost all that time in anger or bitterness. I was beating myself up and didn’t realize it, instead I reverted to anger and unforgiveness. This is why I have to make the changes in my life because I have lived to far long with these nasty habits. Because of these nasty habits I don’t have a relationship with my family or my husband’s and I tend to mess up relationships with potential friends. Your right loneliness is a terrible feeling and sometimes I feel like I’m not worthy of the love I have from God because of my actions and behavior. This is why I started this blog to help me heal into being a better person and to build better relationships. I hope and pray that you will keep me among your favorites and feel free to comment on my blog. I need all the help I can get. Thank you so very much and for caring enough to help a stranger. By the way there was nothing wrong in sounding therapeutic, I needed that.

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