Day 27-31 A desperate need to change.

Who am I in Christ?

I’m a bit behind on my writing because we had the busiest weekend we have had in a long time.  Our Friday was the worst because we had so much to do w/things in our home and birthday gatherings Saturday & Sunday it was a complete chaos.  I felt bad abandoning my doggies this whole weekend we usually take them wherever we go but this was different we couldn’t take them this time.

I think I got ahead of myself in thinking I could do a “Prayer Request” in my blog.  I’m not ready, not by a long shot.  This whole weekend proved that I haven’t changed like I thought I had.  I’m too critical of people and say things that I shouldn’t and I only disappointed myself this weekend.  I thought about writing this weekend but I didn’t know what to say because I was so ashamed of myself that I didn’t feel like I wanted to share my shame.  I know God forgives us but there has to be a limit.  I know He must be so disappointed in me as well & He must say “what more do you need Tri to change?”

Every time I’m around family I become this person I don’t like, I am doing my best to separate myself from them but we have a tight-knit family that when we don’t show up for family gatherings such as birthday dinners or birthday parties they get questionable as to “why didn’t you come”  and there better be a good explanation.  The holidays are coming up and I’m dreading them.  I don’t know what to do because my loving husband loves being w/family both his and mine.  How can I change if I can’t separate myself from them? Help please.

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Day 28 Helping to Heal, what if….

Prayer changes things

I’ve been thinking about this for a few days now and I guess I am looking for a validation from God when indeed God is probably waiting on me.  A few days ago I went through a few blogs and came across a woman that had been through a lot of pain in her life and she was so optimistic in her walk with Christ, I was very inspired.  In her blog she had a menu bar “prayer request” I thought about putting in my request for Emotional Healing and for God to open doors for me to go to school to become a writer but as I scrolled down the list it seemed almost infinite.  I didn’t think I was ever going to get to the bottom of that prayer request box and then I thought she has way to many to even notice my petty prayer request.  To my amazement she did, in fact she emailed me and called me her dear sister and that she would be praying for me, I thought, “wow, how is that possible?”

I remembered a sermon once & it was about something to the effect that when you help someone that is hurting more than you, your healing begins.  I don’t know just how true that is but a ministry has to start some place, right?

You know I don’t even know if I can help someone because I’m still an emotional mess and still have issues with anger and being critical of others so I don’t think I’m qualified.  But what if that’s the enemy telling me that so I don’t heal by helping someone?  What if I add a prayer request on my menu bar, does this make me a hypocrite, what if I write something on my blog that is not edifying to the seer’s, will I be judged, what if I sabotage this like I have everything else would that make me a bad person?  What if……..what if…….what if……. so many what if’s.

Please keep me in your prayers for God’s guidance on this because I wouldn’t know what to write to those seeking prayer, I don’t think I’m qualified just yet but I do know this is something I would love to eventually do.  In the meantime if you do need prayer let me know and I will go to God for your need(s). You’re in my prayers!

Bring God back to our Country

We need God in our country & our lives.

Today I have 2 postings, prayer for a fellow blogger and now this one.  I wanted to share this with you all because I was so deeply moved when I saw in Dallas, TX while visiting a relative; this was in the back of an 18 wheeler.  I know that prayer has been taken out of our schools and some people want to take “In God we Trust” from our money.  I know there are a lot of folks that don’t believe in God for whatever reason but even for those people who don’t believe; He still died for them because He loves us.  What an awesome God we have.

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.  John 3:16

Prayer for Sammy311 livingwithiup

Prayer for a fellow blogger

I don’t have many followers on my blog but for those that have been there for me and cared enough to help me through my journey I pray that you all will come in agreement for a fellow blogger name Sammy311, livingwithiup
He is in need for a lung transplant and I hope that you all will join me in keeping him in prayer for HEALING and that he will come to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior if he hasn’t already. Thanks and blessings to you all.

Day 27 Healing to minister

Helping each other from drowning

I’ve been reading other blogs and all the blogs I read were pretty darn inspirational and I was in awe with the love people have for God and what He has done in their lives and the blogging ministry they share with people like me.  I know that eventually I will get to where they are now but I sure wish it were now.  I notice that people like me that have been abuse have made such a turn around when they gave their lives to God.  Why in the world didn’t I do that and make things easier for myself instead of wallowing in self-pity, anger and bitterness.

My life would’ve been so much better had I surrender completely to God.  I made some pretty poor choices in my life and I have disgrace God with my actions but I am so grateful that He loves me unconditionally and has forgiven me for my abysmal behavior.  I am appreciative for what He is doing now in my life and how He will be glorified through me.  I pray that I will be able to minister to those that are broken and how God worked to those that have helped me through my blogging.  I want to say those words “If God can change me He can change you too”.  Nothing is impossible for God; with Him ALL things are possible for those that believe.

My journey in healing has been no picnic I stumble and fall more than I ever have in my entire life but the difference now is that I get up.  I don’t stay down and defeated like I have in the past.  I still say idiotic things and get angry over dumbest things but I recognize them whereas in the past I wouldn’t care and to prideful to say I’m sorry.  It’s not easy to change and it’s not easy to adapt to those changes but I know that with each passing day I have the opportunity to learn whether it’s from mistakes I make that day or learn from the mistakes I made from my past.  I have the chance to enhance my future with what God is teaching me at this moment.

Day 26 Judgement day(?)

Can a lying tongue stop it's wagging?

If you may recall on my last blog I mentioned that no one ever seems to care about what I have to say unless it’s in gossip form.  Well, I have lived most of my life like this.  Since I was a little girl I have always been one to know the scoop, yep that’s me.  You’ve heard that saying “you learn what you see”.  I’m not excusing my actions, it’s wrong I know this but it didn’t stop me, this is how I strike up conversation or this is how I get my listener to keep listening.  This is what I grew up with and now I’m aware of it, I want to stop.  At the funeral reception I was in a group with my cousins and no one was talking so I asked questions about how they were doing, how was work, blah, blah, blah.

I tell you, had I been fishing I would’ve gotten more bites than I was getting at the funeral reception.  I started with the small talk about my trip to Dallas and mentioned how my husband and I were having a junk food attack because my cousin from Dallas eats healthy.  I had my cousins listening to me and they laughed when I told them I wanted something sweet and my cousin offered me a fruit, that wasn’t even true; that event never happened but because I had them listening and they were laughing I kept up the facade but then I shifted my conversation when I realize I was gossiping about her.

Before you leave your comment please don’t judge me, I know I’m WRONG and this kind of behavior is unacceptable to God but if you can share any insight with me or a scripture I certainly welcome your comments to stop this atrocious habit

Day 25 Continuation of Sorrow

Uncontrolled Emotions

There is nothing worse than coming home from a vacation and receiving bad news.  I will make this short but this is the continuation from coming home to sorrow.  On day 6 & the 8th on my blog I spoke of my aunt’s late husband’s family and the altercation I had with one of the nieces that’s like a cousin to me and how I was torn about visiting her mom the hospital whom I consider an aunt. Upon arrival we had several phone messages that she had past away. I was filled with so much emotion it was overwhelming and then on top of that I had 2 fellow bloggers that cared enough to know if I was all right due to not blogging for 5 days.  Other than my husband, NO ONE have ever cared enough for me to see if I was ever ok or even cared about what I had to say unless it was in gossip form.  I will discuss that later since ALL this is part of my healing so that topic will come up for advice.  Anyway, I was sobbing like I hadn’t sobbed before, first for the grieving and then for the caring of strangers that I have never met.  What is the matter with me?  Is this part of healing because trust me I do cry easily, watching a movie, a sad commercial or even when I’m angry but this sobbing was different almost uncontrollable, I can’t explain it.

Sorry if I don’t make any sense, perhaps you can give me some insight to this because I can’t put it into words.  In advance I want to thank you all for your comments