Day 33-38 The Whole Truth

fast life, slow healing

It’s been awhile since I have posted on my blog, my days have been so busy and although, I don’t have any children I’ve still been so busy.  I’m so behind in housework and such that I get overwhelmed and then I feel like I’m having panic attacks.

Another reason is, I was too embarrassed to tell you that my healing seems to have fallen to the back burner.  The truth is I’ve been such a mess and I felt like I do when I go to church to get prayer about something specific.  I begin to talk w/an elder at church and when they see me again and ask how I’m doing I lie to them by saying I’m fine when in reality I’m not.  I don’t want them to know that I’m still battling that dilemma; I’m afraid they’re going to think bad about me so I pretend they helped me and I’m doing great.

I tell myself that I’m calling it by faith that I am doing great.  Some Christians say “yes, you are calling it forth…..your doing great and just praise God for it.”  Well, what I don’t get is that I’ve been saying things as though they were but yet here I am, an emotional disarray and still haven’t gotten over my emotional pain that has caused me anger, frustration of not changing and for being so critical of others.  I say things that are not always nice to people.  I feel the need to give you my opinion even if you didn’t ask.  I am kind to strangers but not kind to those around me like my spouse, my family and my husband’s family.

I will say this and it’s not anything major but when I do say something snide to a family member or my husband I do apologize which I didn’t do before.  But the thing is, why say anything at all, why can’t I just SHUT my mouth?!!  I hate this quality of mine and I remind myself of my mom and my dad when I behave like this.  My dad would tell me all the time “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all,” and yet he is very verbal & not always nice.

I was so afraid if I posted the real battle of my personality you all wouldn’t like me and would not care about what I had to write.  My apologies for not sharing this until now; you all have helped me with your suggestions and I pray to God that you will continue to give them to me but I pray you will keep me in your prayers.

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