Day 33-38 The Whole Truth


fast life, slow healing

It’s been awhile since I have posted on my blog, my days have been so busy and although, I don’t have any children I’ve still been so busy.  I’m so behind in housework and such that I get overwhelmed and then I feel like I’m having panic attacks.

Another reason is, I was too embarrassed to tell you that my healing seems to have fallen to the back burner.  The truth is I’ve been such a mess and I felt like I do when I go to church to get prayer about something specific.  I begin to talk w/an elder at church and when they see me again and ask how I’m doing I lie to them by saying I’m fine when in reality I’m not.  I don’t want them to know that I’m still battling that dilemma; I’m afraid they’re going to think bad about me so I pretend they helped me and I’m doing great.

I tell myself that I’m calling it by faith that I am doing great.  Some Christians say “yes, you are calling it forth…..your doing great and just praise God for it.”  Well, what I don’t get is that I’ve been saying things as though they were but yet here I am, an emotional disarray and still haven’t gotten over my emotional pain that has caused me anger, frustration of not changing and for being so critical of others.  I say things that are not always nice to people.  I feel the need to give you my opinion even if you didn’t ask.  I am kind to strangers but not kind to those around me like my spouse, my family and my husband’s family.

I will say this and it’s not anything major but when I do say something snide to a family member or my husband I do apologize which I didn’t do before.  But the thing is, why say anything at all, why can’t I just SHUT my mouth?!!  I hate this quality of mine and I remind myself of my mom and my dad when I behave like this.  My dad would tell me all the time “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all,” and yet he is very verbal & not always nice.

I was so afraid if I posted the real battle of my personality you all wouldn’t like me and would not care about what I had to write.  My apologies for not sharing this until now; you all have helped me with your suggestions and I pray to God that you will continue to give them to me but I pray you will keep me in your prayers.

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17 thoughts on “Day 33-38 The Whole Truth

  1. You said: “The truth is I’ve been such a mess and I felt like I do when I go to church to get prayer about something specific. I begin to talk w/an elder at church and when they see me again and ask how I’m doing I lie to them by saying I’m fine when in reality I’m not. I don’t want them to know that I’m still battling that dilemma; I’m afraid they’re going to think bad about me so I pretend they helped me and I’m doing great.”

    Oh my gosh I have done the same thing! 🙂

  2. Half the battle is realizing there is a problem. Changing it is another story. You said yourself you have seen change in yourself, continue to acknowledge that improvement. You have a lot of support, and stay positive.
    Dwayne

  3. Hey Tri, you are on a journey and journeys of the self are quite difficult. I actually like you for being the woman that you are here when you write as it’s coming from your heart, no pretence, but truth and that is good. You will change those qualities you dislike, sadly change does take time, but you will get there because you have that will inside of you. Keep your chin up and be proud of the bold step of change you are doing. Immie 🙂 xx

    • Immie, I really miss you and I so love your encouragement and your words of wisdom that you share with me and I promise I will take to heart what you just said, like I mentioned to Marianne, words of wisdom feeds my soul so even if I don’t get it now, I will later. Thanks again for your caring and godly encouragement.

  4. Tri, does it help you to know that my weakness is the same as yours? Sometimes when I think about what comes out of my mouth I am appalled. I ask God how can he use me when I still have so much ugliness inside? The truth is that he is working on this with me. Because I have been through so much as a child and on up, I become very defensive. It is like I have to hurt you before you hurt me. Crazy.

    I cannot change on my own, Tri. None of us can. I bring my struggle to Christ every single night. And there is change in me. Every time I keep my mouth closed instead of having the last word, I thank my Lord. It is his power that keeps me strong. I am learning that day by day.

    Sometimes it seems that you beat yourself up too much because your weaknesses. Tri, when you do that, you are doing the devil’s job. He is the accuser of the brethren and he is using your own words to tear you down! Don’t let him do that. God is not going to leave you or me in our weakness. He has promised to transform us into his image! That is a promise that he will keep. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Take your weakness, your feelings of inadequacy to God. He already knows it anyway. Sometimes when I pray, I just say “Help me”. He knows what I mean.

    I know what you are feeling because I am there too. I will continue to keep you in prayer. Because of Christ, you are already a conqueror. You need to keep that truth in your heart!

    • Marianne, what you said on the 1st paragraph is me alright. I thought I was alone in this pain. I know inside my spirit-man there is a loving compassionate woman. It’s been trying to come out for some time but lately it’s coming out more and I know that’s God and I give Him all the honor & glory but then when I do something soo dumb and ridiculous I wonder how God is getting honor for this talk or behavior.
      You’re right Marianne believing that I am doing the devil’s job with his lies that I am a bad person and not transform into God’s image.
      I know that in my head but it hasn’t sunk into my heart and soul, and that my friend is my struggle. I read in God’s word what I mean to Him but yet I question it like how Lord? Look at this mess, it’s been to darn long and many year & still haven’t changed.
      That is my biggest struggle Marianne so please keep me in your prayers.
      Thanks for you help and believe me what you all say to me helps me. The words of the wise are food to my soul.

    • You always encourage me and I give you so much thanks for that and as you can see I change my profile picture to my adorable doggies, I love as my babies. Thanks for keeping me in your prayers, means a lot to me.

  5. Remember you are not alone. In the few months I have seriously been blogging i have come across more people who feel as you. Having been there and done that, but at times still have a fight, it is “one day at a time.”

    The feeling of being all too overwhelmed has hit me so hard at times I could not function. But, here I am functioning and doing better than I though. So do not give up, do not give up. God is with you, he loves you and wants you well in every way. And he is not as hard on you as you are on yourself. I been there and done that one too. Blessings….

    • I’ve been like this for so long that I just want to change now. I have alienated myself from my husband’s family and now I’m at the point of alienating myself from my family. I just want to be good, nice and loving. Sometimes when I am that person I love me so much but when I’m not I despise me. I’m a child of God and I need to act like one. I thank you so much for your encouraging words Naphtali, you’re a blessing to me.

  6. Hello Tri,

    I can really see myself in you before and now.. I suffered that too and I must admit that until now, there are days when that character of mine appears.. Our maturity in serving the Lord is not a fast race, it is a slow and a sure manner.. Don’t be ashamed for who you really are. Think about the only truth that you are loved by God and He will do something great in your life. I might not say all the words to comfort you but God is our greatest source of comfort. I just want to share this song that I often listen whenever I remember my past or present pains, click it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-TLoXBM9ao&feature=related&noredirect=1

    God bless you,

    Joyce

    • Joyce, I want to be where you are now. I understand that my old man may resurface from time to time but now I am apologizing constantly. Before when I said it I didn’t care and people knew that about me and they would either argue with me or roll their eyes but now when I apologize they say something like “whatever Tri” like they don’t believe that I am sorry. Like everybody else I feel like God is getting annoyed by my behavior and my crying of changing. I know that He loves me and I know that He is there for me but I want to be more like Him and less like me. I don’t want to hurt anybody else or me anymore. Joyce, your words inspired me along with the video, it was me.

      • Hi Tri, I’m glad that it helped you in a little way. God is never annoyed with His children, always remember that. It doesn’t matter if they would not believe you, what matters is, the truth that’s in your heart, because God sees it. When we aim to be like Him, that would lead us to the first step of committing to Him everything, our mouth,eyes,ears,and all – that we can do things to please Him. When you pray, ask the Holy Spirit to guide you on what you should say or do. Be encouraged. God is in control. Don’t push yourself too much. Let God drive your life, while you, seat next to Him and just follow what He says. God bless again Tri 🙂 Much love to you my friend! ❤

  7. Sanctification is a slow and often painful process. The great things is that through this heat God not only makes us stronger – but also more like his son!

    • Pstok, you hit the nail on the head, it has been a painful process. I want to be more like Jesus and I want to be stronger and learn from this so that I never have to be the old Tri.

    • Thanks for that scripture Meredith, thanks for your email as well. Your story touched me and I pray I will be like the new you. Blessings to you

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