Day 39 Back slide

Alone or not?

For the last few weeks I have been going through quite a bit, I know that time heals all wounds but for me it’s disappearing that heals all wounds.   I’ve been dealing with things in my life that are surfacing and on top of that I haven’t been at my best and whenever this occurs I shut down emotionally.  Does it make it right, does it make it go away, sure it does for the time being.  Do I just keep ignoring it and hope and pray that with time it will be forgotten?

I have a passion for writing and I love to write articles hoping and praying that one will get accepted and publish; I’m not hoping to become a famous writer or to even become a novelist.  The competition is tough out there for freelance writers and I’m not that great of a writer to be famous and honestly I’m ok with that.  When I started this blog, no one was reading it and I didn’t think it was good enough for anyone to be interested in it but I still wrote on it daily because I loved writing but these last few weeks I haven’t wanted to write.  The passion wasn’t there.

I know that God loves me when I’m at my best and even when I’m not but in soul of my heart I can’t phantom that concept because I’ve always been a disappointment to my parents and family.  People have told me all my life that I would mount up to be nothing.  Like everybody tells me “you have to be the best writer to get published.”  I’ve had yet to publish an article and no one has ever had faith in me to stand by me or believe in me.

My husband whom is a wonderful man loves me unconditionally and encourages me to continue and not give up but when his family tells me to find another path of career he doesn’t defend me with his family and this puts me emotionally to my past.  Every time I was beaten by a relative my dad would tell me to just stay out of their way, he saw the bruises and cuts and did nothing only because he didn’t want me and to this day he still doesn’t.  His constant rejection has moved to his wife and sons, my brothers.

Do I choose to go down or up?

 I am so tired of being a nothing in their lives that I’ve been at ends with my husband and instead of moving forward I’m reverting to the old me.  I can’t live my life anymore with a broken past and I can’t worry whether someone has faith in me to become somebody.  Starting this blog brought me to a point where I thought I was taking baby steps forward in my life of healing; this chaos in the last few weeks has had me take giant steps backwards causing me to back slide in the hopes of healing.  ‘

I began to doubt myself as a writer and/or as a godly woman, I started to allow the enemy to convince me that I was a nothing a nobody and maybe I am to my family or even to others but to God I am somebody.  The pain of it all is I know this but why don’t I know that in my heart of hearts? Having your input on my blog has made me feel like somebody cared enough to share their thoughts or advice.  You all have been more of an inspiration than anyone has ever been in my life.  Because of the caring and loving comments I didn’t think I was worthy of being acknowledge.

I will never leave you nor forsake you. Hebrews 13:5