Day 39 Back slide

Alone or not?

For the last few weeks I have been going through quite a bit, I know that time heals all wounds but for me it’s disappearing that heals all wounds.   I’ve been dealing with things in my life that are surfacing and on top of that I haven’t been at my best and whenever this occurs I shut down emotionally.  Does it make it right, does it make it go away, sure it does for the time being.  Do I just keep ignoring it and hope and pray that with time it will be forgotten?

I have a passion for writing and I love to write articles hoping and praying that one will get accepted and publish; I’m not hoping to become a famous writer or to even become a novelist.  The competition is tough out there for freelance writers and I’m not that great of a writer to be famous and honestly I’m ok with that.  When I started this blog, no one was reading it and I didn’t think it was good enough for anyone to be interested in it but I still wrote on it daily because I loved writing but these last few weeks I haven’t wanted to write.  The passion wasn’t there.

I know that God loves me when I’m at my best and even when I’m not but in soul of my heart I can’t phantom that concept because I’ve always been a disappointment to my parents and family.  People have told me all my life that I would mount up to be nothing.  Like everybody tells me “you have to be the best writer to get published.”  I’ve had yet to publish an article and no one has ever had faith in me to stand by me or believe in me.

My husband whom is a wonderful man loves me unconditionally and encourages me to continue and not give up but when his family tells me to find another path of career he doesn’t defend me with his family and this puts me emotionally to my past.  Every time I was beaten by a relative my dad would tell me to just stay out of their way, he saw the bruises and cuts and did nothing only because he didn’t want me and to this day he still doesn’t.  His constant rejection has moved to his wife and sons, my brothers.

Do I choose to go down or up?

 I am so tired of being a nothing in their lives that I’ve been at ends with my husband and instead of moving forward I’m reverting to the old me.  I can’t live my life anymore with a broken past and I can’t worry whether someone has faith in me to become somebody.  Starting this blog brought me to a point where I thought I was taking baby steps forward in my life of healing; this chaos in the last few weeks has had me take giant steps backwards causing me to back slide in the hopes of healing.  ‘

I began to doubt myself as a writer and/or as a godly woman, I started to allow the enemy to convince me that I was a nothing a nobody and maybe I am to my family or even to others but to God I am somebody.  The pain of it all is I know this but why don’t I know that in my heart of hearts? Having your input on my blog has made me feel like somebody cared enough to share their thoughts or advice.  You all have been more of an inspiration than anyone has ever been in my life.  Because of the caring and loving comments I didn’t think I was worthy of being acknowledge.

I will never leave you nor forsake you. Hebrews 13:5

5 thoughts on “Day 39 Back slide

  1. Hi Tri, after reading what your said, I started thinking of my past hurts and how they continue even now in my life. I understand what you mean about shutting down emotionally. For years I lived by controlling the circumstances in my life so that I could control the hurt. That doesn’t work. It has only been in the last few years that God has been helping me to let go and release those things I can’t deal with to him! That has been difficult for me to do but each day finds me doing it a little more. I have been belittled and berated, told that I was “stupid” by a parent who had no idea that I took to heart those words and let them rule in my life. My sister, Christ paid the price for us to be overcomers and conquerors in ALL things. I no longer have to believe those lies that were told to me. I have worth and purpose because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Before I was formed, Christ saw me and knew me. He set me apart for himself. He knew of all the bad choices, the rebellion and the struggles I would have and he still wanted me to be with him! Sometimes I just dwell on that marvelous truth, Tri. You and I are a lot alike. We both have hurts that have altered our perception of ourselves. It sets us up to have the enemy use our low self-worth against us. But we belong to the King, Tri! He actually has a place for us in his kingdom. We are going to rule with him one day. Don[‘t let your past dictate your future, my friend! You don’t have to. People can say whatever they want against me because I don’t need their validation. I am already validated by the only One that matter – Jesus Christ.

    Be strong, Tri. With Christ , you have power over all that comes against you. Say to that mountain of pain to be moved and it shall be moved! You have a talent from God in your writing. Use your gift to help others who share your pain. You would be amazed at how many there really is!

    Stay in peace, Tri. This battle we face is already won. And we are victors through it all. Remember, God loves you way too much to leave you to deal with your pain alone. I am here for you, dear friend!

    • Marianne, I thank you so much for understanding what I have been through from your own pain and for sharing the encouraging words to remind me that I am a victor not a victim.
      I hope that your words will stick deeply in my heart because I know all this in my head but my heart has yet to catch up. I do need to be stronger and I hope that through all this pain a victor will shine through. Thanks for being there for me Marianne and what a blessing you are to me. I thank you my sister!

  2. I won’t say I know what you have been through because I don’t know.

    What I do know is you are a child of the Most High God who loves you so much that if you were the only person on earth, God would still have sent Jesus to die for you.

    I do know what it feels like to be berated and belittled; and I know now who I am in Jesus. That is all that matters. What others think, or say or no matter how they act toward you, give it all to Jesus and let him take care of them.

    There is a saying: Don’t go where you are not tolerated. Go where you are celebrated. That is what Jesus did. if you think about it he did not stay where he was not wanted. I had to learn that too and sometimes I think he allows that to happen to us to guide us elsewhere.

    So for those who do not celebrate you; leave them to their fate. Find those who celebrate your writing, your heart felt desire to follow Jesus and who see you for the gift you are to God and to those of us who enjoy your inspiring words. God can make your mess your message. He did that with mine.

    • Naphtali, you left me speechless and trust me that is hard to do not to mention that I was in tears because no one has EVER said that to me and I believe with all my heart that God uses people to get to us or to speak to us especially when it’s someone like me that has a hard time understanding His love. I read it everyday but in my heart I wonder why and now I know. Thank you for your obedience to HIM to deliver that message and to explain it to where I got it, I got it.

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