I’ve been recovering from surgery and so much has happened that I don’t know where to begin but here is a small break down.

One, I’ve been recovery from breast surgery, I’m good now but I went on emotional low and things got pretty intense in my life.

Two, my insecurities from my emotional low affected my marriage and for the first time ever my husband threw his hands up to end our marriage.  I didn’t recognize him, he was cold and distant but after many tears and 3 days later we decided that the failing our marriage was bigger than we were able to fix.

Third, we decided to go to God and have our Maker be the author and finisher of our marriage. 

Fourth, we have decided to commit and have God not just be a part of our marriage but have Him be our marriage. Now we are following through going to church and now attending classes for healing which is more than we have ever done in our marriage.

Fifth, I give God All the honor and glory for this experience because for the first time it brought me to a humbling experience and it has changed me and I am now changing.  I’m more loving, kinder, patient and most of all forgiving.

I’ve been away for a while but like a theater play, God was working behind the scenes and now I am truly grateful for what He has done in my life.  What satan meant for evil, God over turned it for good, for His glory.  Thank you Jesus!





not one of my best days

Well, I have been a roller coaster ride and it’s just coming to an end, soon with God’s help and blessings.  I’ve been ill with an infection that I have been battling for 2 months and I’ve been going back and forth to the Emergency Room.  Next week I go and see a new doctor and hopefully shed some light to this infection that has consume my energy and my health.  I’ve had fever for almost the entire month of December and brought my energy level to a low.

I didn’t even feel like getting on the computer, much less to my blog.  I’m feeling better these days and ready to kick this infection and move on with my health and get to the energetic me.  I have to admit, which is bizarre; I’ve been my best (behavior wise) than I ever have in my entire life.  What the devil meant for evil, God overturned it for good.  It’s been a high price to pay because I’ve been in so much pain but I feel, slowly but surely I’m becoming a better person.  I give God all the honor and glory for this, now don’t get me wrong I’m still very far from being the woman I desire to be but I’ve moved 2 steps forward when I felt like I was spiraling down very fast even when I was blogging.

From shameful to humbled

Blogging was the hardest thing I have ever done because I’m not one to put my self out there, my bad behavior was something I was willing to show you than vulnerability.  I would absorb any bad behavior with my sour childhood as a free ride.  I would use this with the attitude “feel sorry for me, look at what I’ve been through.”  Just so that we’re clear, you may see some of my writings towards the past because I’ve been using this excuse for too long that it has almost become a very bad habit (like drugs) and I want to push through that and this journey may take longer than 123 days.  I believe this journey will be my lifelong journey and I want to continue to take consequences for my own actions that I put myself in and not as an excuse.

My apologies to you my brothers and sisters for being stubborn but I thank you all for your prayers and thanks for being there for me because in my life people stay away from me and the more the would deny me the more I was this jagged pill to swallow.  When I started to blog, I opened myself like I never have before without pity, without  manipulation…….me in the raw.  This was the first for me and to be totally honest w/o judgment.  THANKS!

God sees the beauty in us all.

DAY 44 Ungodly Behavior

Continued ungodly behavior

I know I got quite a bit of advice about being the bigger person and not allow what happened with my mother in law to escalate.  I have to admit I wasn’t the bigger person and I was a bit stand-off-ish towards her when I saw her briefly Friday night.  I didn’t let the argument escalate but my actions showed that I was still upset.

I’m the kind of person that doesn’t like to ask for anything because of the fear of being rejected so when I do ask it takes a lot out of me.  I’m so uncomfortable and I’m hoping that by not asking for any help other times that the person I’m asking will say “yes.”  I do realize that things arise or I may be asking for help when there may be a previous engagement.  All I ask is that person will tell me that; I don’t want someone to tell me “yes, I can do it” but then never show up or call me.

All my fault

My mother in law knows this because I tell her to tell me if she can do it and if not please call me and let me know you can’t be there or won’t be able to help me.  I blame me mostly because I should know better than to ask her to do something for me but I guess I’m still upset because this was my fault and I’m angry w/myself.

I will say this to her defense she doesn’t do this all the time so a lot of times she can be unpredictable on dependability.  I did tell her last Friday “why do you do this only to me and not to my sister-in-law?”  I know I shouldn’t compare us but I just had to put it out there not that I haven’t said this to her before.

The mother I never had

Last thoughts:  I feel more comfortable with my mother in law that I do with anybody else including my family.  I don’t have anybody else to be honest but the thing about me is I will remove myself from the equation which means I’m upset.  I know it’s wrong but I don’t have it in me to just say, “it’s ok” and move on.  Any advice that will help me to become that person?  I’m open for scriptures as well.

Questions on Blogging

Really Confused

I have to admit I am ignorant when it comes to understanding all the blogging jargon.

1. What does the “Links” mean?

2. I was nominated by theheartofJ for the Liebser Blog Award but don’t know how I nominate others with their blogging address and thank “J” through her blogging website-please advice

3. How do I change the settings to have “guest” to post a comment on my blog.  I’ve gotten an email about why can’t a guest post a comment.

4. How do I locate the blogs I like, I have to keep going through my email to check the postings they have made.  Can I do this from my blog?

5. Ooo, what does blogroll mean?

I think that is about it for now, and thanks in advance for your assistance.

Aaahh, got it......Thank You.

DAY 43 When is it enough?

Just want to let you know that there may some things I write that will make you think I need to get over it and move on but please remember; all this is part of my emotional healing.



My mother in law & I get along pretty well and she does a lot for me and she calls me baby girl but I wonder just how much of it is true.  She has a way of saying something she feels you want to hear so I get mystified when she calls me baby girl. In my husband’s family she is the only one that knows about my childhood my past and I think she feels responsibility as a mom to do a lot for me, I think she feels sorry for me.  It’s too long to offer an explanation but that just my hypothesis.

I don’t want pity I just want her love but I know that love is conditional because of her son, my husband she always sides w/him so that’s why her love is conditional. I know that I’m closer to my mother in law then her other daughter in law because we laugh and share secrets and I listen when she’s hurting whereas my sister-in-law needs her for one thing and one thing only……to babysit. Since we don’t have any children she will ALWAYS do more for my husband’s brother and his family before us.

My solution: I don’t honor when she say’s she wants to get together because she is not a person of her word.  So when is it enough? I know Jesus say’s we must forgive 77 times but honestly it isn’t easy I get annoyed and hurt & it doesn’t do any good to talk to her about it because she always denies it, so what d I do?

My view on Capitalism

Capitalism– economic system in which industry is privately owned.

Two years ago when my husband and I were looking for a house to purchase for the first time, our realtor took us to several homes that were foreclosed.  In my own stupidity I thought it was ok for her to show us these homes because she was helping us to find a home that was a lot of home but not a lot of money.  Upon viewing these homes I noticed a lot of them were badly damaged some had hope but others did not.  Our realtor told us that people would do this so that it would be harder for the bank to sell them.

Still perplexed about this information we saw a foreclosed home that we absolutely loved with a lot of potential behind the ruins and the price was a steal. We made an offer to the bank and it was accepted but when the Inspector came to the property they told us all the things that were wrong with it and there were stipulations to getting a FHA loan that others didn’t have because they had a higher Interest Rate.  Needless to say we didn’t get it and I’m glad we didn’t especially what I know now.  The house down the block from where we live now was almost considered condemned because it had cat feces, urine all over the home and it was in bad shape; it was also a foreclose home and was being sold at a dirt cheap price. 

What is my point?  Well, I’m glad God shut the doors for those homes that were foreclosed because these were homes that belonged to people who couldn’t continue the payments and the bank forced them out of their home and out of that anger they damaged the property making it difficult to resell. Even to those homes that were paid off but borrowed against their home for home improvements.  I’m not saying this is right but all the hard work and sweat they put in that homes were snatched away.

That home down the block from where we live now was bought from an Investor and was fixed up and now was valued at the price we brought our home.  But if you think about it our home is our home as long as we don’t default on the payments; the moment we do the bank will kick us out as well.  All that work we invested in our home for nothing.

As I looked at all the rooms in our home and our vehicles I realized that a small percentage was literally ours.  We have a vehicle that is a 2000 so it is almost 12 years old and she works but only when she chooses too.  Not very mechanics know what is wrong with this car so we keep saying that we need to get rid of it but don’t want to get in debt with another car payment but how bogus is that when we are in debt with the credit card companies and school loans.  Almost everything in our home is owned by some bank.  That my friend is Capitalism!  What happened to those days when we weren’t in debt with credit cards or in debt with student loans?  How did we get into this mess, and how do we get out? 

This is what God tells us about borrowing:

The rich ruleth over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender. – Proverbs 22:7

In Matthew 6:24, Jesus tells us that we can’t serve two masters. It is implied that we should serve God and nothing else. We serve God with our time. If we are in debt, we become servants to the banks and credit holders with our time until we payback what we owe. When we are loaded down with debt, we are spending our time serving our debt holders to pay them back. Therefore, we are not free to serve God with our time because our time is already accounted for.  When we borrow money, we are not operating in the blessing God has called us to according to Deuteronomy 28:12. In fact, when we borrow money, we are basically telling God “I cannot wait for you to get the money to me, so I will get it myself.” God should be our provider not the bank.   Article written by Amos Johnson, Jr PhD