DAY 44 Ungodly Behavior

Continued ungodly behavior

I know I got quite a bit of advice about being the bigger person and not allow what happened with my mother in law to escalate.  I have to admit I wasn’t the bigger person and I was a bit stand-off-ish towards her when I saw her briefly Friday night.  I didn’t let the argument escalate but my actions showed that I was still upset.

I’m the kind of person that doesn’t like to ask for anything because of the fear of being rejected so when I do ask it takes a lot out of me.  I’m so uncomfortable and I’m hoping that by not asking for any help other times that the person I’m asking will say “yes.”  I do realize that things arise or I may be asking for help when there may be a previous engagement.  All I ask is that person will tell me that; I don’t want someone to tell me “yes, I can do it” but then never show up or call me.

All my fault

My mother in law knows this because I tell her to tell me if she can do it and if not please call me and let me know you can’t be there or won’t be able to help me.  I blame me mostly because I should know better than to ask her to do something for me but I guess I’m still upset because this was my fault and I’m angry w/myself.

I will say this to her defense she doesn’t do this all the time so a lot of times she can be unpredictable on dependability.  I did tell her last Friday “why do you do this only to me and not to my sister-in-law?”  I know I shouldn’t compare us but I just had to put it out there not that I haven’t said this to her before.

The mother I never had

Last thoughts:  I feel more comfortable with my mother in law that I do with anybody else including my family.  I don’t have anybody else to be honest but the thing about me is I will remove myself from the equation which means I’m upset.  I know it’s wrong but I don’t have it in me to just say, “it’s ok” and move on.  Any advice that will help me to become that person?  I’m open for scriptures as well.

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DAY 43 When is it enough?

Just want to let you know that there may some things I write that will make you think I need to get over it and move on but please remember; all this is part of my emotional healing.

 

 

My mother in law & I get along pretty well and she does a lot for me and she calls me baby girl but I wonder just how much of it is true.  She has a way of saying something she feels you want to hear so I get mystified when she calls me baby girl. In my husband’s family she is the only one that knows about my childhood my past and I think she feels responsibility as a mom to do a lot for me, I think she feels sorry for me.  It’s too long to offer an explanation but that just my hypothesis.

I don’t want pity I just want her love but I know that love is conditional because of her son, my husband she always sides w/him so that’s why her love is conditional. I know that I’m closer to my mother in law then her other daughter in law because we laugh and share secrets and I listen when she’s hurting whereas my sister-in-law needs her for one thing and one thing only……to babysit. Since we don’t have any children she will ALWAYS do more for my husband’s brother and his family before us.

My solution: I don’t honor when she say’s she wants to get together because she is not a person of her word.  So when is it enough? I know Jesus say’s we must forgive 77 times but honestly it isn’t easy I get annoyed and hurt & it doesn’t do any good to talk to her about it because she always denies it, so what d I do?

DAY 42 A sad Thankful Heart

I spent Thanksgiving with my dad, step-mom and 2 out of my 3 brothers, it was unusually quiet day because my nephews were with their mother and my husband was with his mom,step -dad, grandma, brothers, his dad and step mom with nieces and nephews.  I was thankful to God for blessing me for all that He has given me, my life is modest but compare to the instability I’ve had my whole life I am living comfortable now.  Don’t misunderstand me I wish I was working being a paid writer but right now that is not in the cards for me and for now I’m ok with it until I can get an article published.

My smiles on Thursday were spurious because my husband and I were spending Thanksgiving apart.  We’re not separated by all means, thank God but he choose to spend his day with his family and not with me and because of his choice I was sadden Thursday.  He showed up to my dad’s around 5:30 p.m., I was so shocked because I didn’t think he was going to show up.  We went outside my dad’s and he told me that our marriage is of God and I believe that but like I mentioned on a previous day on my blog, he doesn’t defend me when it comes to criticism from his family or when it comes to choosing holiday time.

So there are no longer two but one. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” Matt. 19:6

We made up like we always do but I don’t see how you can put a band-aid on a broken limb.  I told him that we needed to seek godly help in church and come Sunday he played the “I’m so tired” card.  I wonder just how much longer that band-aid will hold?

band-aids don't fix a broken heart

Day 41 Truly Thankful

     It is a good thing to give thanks unto the Lord…. Psalms 92:1

Remember  not just for today but for always, give thanks to God for He is good and His love endures forever!

Wow, here I am writing this and I’m amazed on what I went through the last few weeks to be here now giving Thanks to God, in the good times and in the those days that are not so good. I am grateful for day 41 and for the company of my Christian Bloggers who have stood by me when I was alone and afraid……to change.  The encouragement has been overwhelming but in the most positive way.

Happy Thanksgiving and May God Bless you

this day

Day 40 A Recovering Victim

last year's pies-pumpkin; good, apple; dry

Today is the eve of Thanksgiving and this year I am grateful/thankful for those I have met through my blog, those that have touched my heart in a way that has never been touched before.  I have strangers who have never met me be kind to me and show much love and teachings to me.  I wonder how can that be possible but then I’m reminded of God’s word that say’s “with God, all things are possible” Phil. 4:13.  I’m not used to kindness and that can be because I’ve been ruthless myself but at times I have been gentle, sometimes to gentle because I get my feelings hurt.  Sticking to the topic at hand I will thank God for sending His son Jesus to die for me and for healing me.  I believe that I will be a recovering victim, no longer hurt from the past.

I am on my way to my cousin’s house to do our traditional baking, every year for the past 12 years it has been a disaster with our baking.  Our pies get burned or the pecan pie is too watery or our apple pie is over baked on the inside, the only thing we seem to have mastered is our pumpkin pie and I don’t even like pumpkin pie.  Nevertheless, this is a tradition I usually look forward to because even though our pies are disastrous we get a good laugh.  This cousin is one of the few family members that I am close too and she’s not an affectionate person but she’s the kind of person that everybody loves and to be in her company is usually enjoyable.

A personal note from me to you, my blessing this Thanksgiving and for what I am truly grateful to God this year is all of you that have participated in my journey for healing.  Thank you for never judging me but most of all thanks for encouraging me.

Day 39 Back slide

Alone or not?

For the last few weeks I have been going through quite a bit, I know that time heals all wounds but for me it’s disappearing that heals all wounds.   I’ve been dealing with things in my life that are surfacing and on top of that I haven’t been at my best and whenever this occurs I shut down emotionally.  Does it make it right, does it make it go away, sure it does for the time being.  Do I just keep ignoring it and hope and pray that with time it will be forgotten?

I have a passion for writing and I love to write articles hoping and praying that one will get accepted and publish; I’m not hoping to become a famous writer or to even become a novelist.  The competition is tough out there for freelance writers and I’m not that great of a writer to be famous and honestly I’m ok with that.  When I started this blog, no one was reading it and I didn’t think it was good enough for anyone to be interested in it but I still wrote on it daily because I loved writing but these last few weeks I haven’t wanted to write.  The passion wasn’t there.

I know that God loves me when I’m at my best and even when I’m not but in soul of my heart I can’t phantom that concept because I’ve always been a disappointment to my parents and family.  People have told me all my life that I would mount up to be nothing.  Like everybody tells me “you have to be the best writer to get published.”  I’ve had yet to publish an article and no one has ever had faith in me to stand by me or believe in me.

My husband whom is a wonderful man loves me unconditionally and encourages me to continue and not give up but when his family tells me to find another path of career he doesn’t defend me with his family and this puts me emotionally to my past.  Every time I was beaten by a relative my dad would tell me to just stay out of their way, he saw the bruises and cuts and did nothing only because he didn’t want me and to this day he still doesn’t.  His constant rejection has moved to his wife and sons, my brothers.

Do I choose to go down or up?

 I am so tired of being a nothing in their lives that I’ve been at ends with my husband and instead of moving forward I’m reverting to the old me.  I can’t live my life anymore with a broken past and I can’t worry whether someone has faith in me to become somebody.  Starting this blog brought me to a point where I thought I was taking baby steps forward in my life of healing; this chaos in the last few weeks has had me take giant steps backwards causing me to back slide in the hopes of healing.  ‘

I began to doubt myself as a writer and/or as a godly woman, I started to allow the enemy to convince me that I was a nothing a nobody and maybe I am to my family or even to others but to God I am somebody.  The pain of it all is I know this but why don’t I know that in my heart of hearts? Having your input on my blog has made me feel like somebody cared enough to share their thoughts or advice.  You all have been more of an inspiration than anyone has ever been in my life.  Because of the caring and loving comments I didn’t think I was worthy of being acknowledge.

I will never leave you nor forsake you. Hebrews 13:5

Day 33-38 The Whole Truth

fast life, slow healing

It’s been awhile since I have posted on my blog, my days have been so busy and although, I don’t have any children I’ve still been so busy.  I’m so behind in housework and such that I get overwhelmed and then I feel like I’m having panic attacks.

Another reason is, I was too embarrassed to tell you that my healing seems to have fallen to the back burner.  The truth is I’ve been such a mess and I felt like I do when I go to church to get prayer about something specific.  I begin to talk w/an elder at church and when they see me again and ask how I’m doing I lie to them by saying I’m fine when in reality I’m not.  I don’t want them to know that I’m still battling that dilemma; I’m afraid they’re going to think bad about me so I pretend they helped me and I’m doing great.

I tell myself that I’m calling it by faith that I am doing great.  Some Christians say “yes, you are calling it forth…..your doing great and just praise God for it.”  Well, what I don’t get is that I’ve been saying things as though they were but yet here I am, an emotional disarray and still haven’t gotten over my emotional pain that has caused me anger, frustration of not changing and for being so critical of others.  I say things that are not always nice to people.  I feel the need to give you my opinion even if you didn’t ask.  I am kind to strangers but not kind to those around me like my spouse, my family and my husband’s family.

I will say this and it’s not anything major but when I do say something snide to a family member or my husband I do apologize which I didn’t do before.  But the thing is, why say anything at all, why can’t I just SHUT my mouth?!!  I hate this quality of mine and I remind myself of my mom and my dad when I behave like this.  My dad would tell me all the time “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all,” and yet he is very verbal & not always nice.

I was so afraid if I posted the real battle of my personality you all wouldn’t like me and would not care about what I had to write.  My apologies for not sharing this until now; you all have helped me with your suggestions and I pray to God that you will continue to give them to me but I pray you will keep me in your prayers.