SMILE :-)

Sometimes in life there are no words to describe how you feel whether you’re angry, sad, happy or cheerful.  No matter how you’re feeling or what you’re going through, know that God is on your side. I think that is reason enough to smile.   

If God is for us, who can be against us?  Romans 8:31

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Apologies

not one of my best days

Well, I have been a roller coaster ride and it’s just coming to an end, soon with God’s help and blessings.  I’ve been ill with an infection that I have been battling for 2 months and I’ve been going back and forth to the Emergency Room.  Next week I go and see a new doctor and hopefully shed some light to this infection that has consume my energy and my health.  I’ve had fever for almost the entire month of December and brought my energy level to a low.

I didn’t even feel like getting on the computer, much less to my blog.  I’m feeling better these days and ready to kick this infection and move on with my health and get to the energetic me.  I have to admit, which is bizarre; I’ve been my best (behavior wise) than I ever have in my entire life.  What the devil meant for evil, God overturned it for good.  It’s been a high price to pay because I’ve been in so much pain but I feel, slowly but surely I’m becoming a better person.  I give God all the honor and glory for this, now don’t get me wrong I’m still very far from being the woman I desire to be but I’ve moved 2 steps forward when I felt like I was spiraling down very fast even when I was blogging.

From shameful to humbled

Blogging was the hardest thing I have ever done because I’m not one to put my self out there, my bad behavior was something I was willing to show you than vulnerability.  I would absorb any bad behavior with my sour childhood as a free ride.  I would use this with the attitude “feel sorry for me, look at what I’ve been through.”  Just so that we’re clear, you may see some of my writings towards the past because I’ve been using this excuse for too long that it has almost become a very bad habit (like drugs) and I want to push through that and this journey may take longer than 123 days.  I believe this journey will be my lifelong journey and I want to continue to take consequences for my own actions that I put myself in and not as an excuse.

My apologies to you my brothers and sisters for being stubborn but I thank you all for your prayers and thanks for being there for me because in my life people stay away from me and the more the would deny me the more I was this jagged pill to swallow.  When I started to blog, I opened myself like I never have before without pity, without  manipulation…….me in the raw.  This was the first for me and to be totally honest w/o judgment.  THANKS!

God sees the beauty in us all.

DAY 44 Ungodly Behavior

Continued ungodly behavior

I know I got quite a bit of advice about being the bigger person and not allow what happened with my mother in law to escalate.  I have to admit I wasn’t the bigger person and I was a bit stand-off-ish towards her when I saw her briefly Friday night.  I didn’t let the argument escalate but my actions showed that I was still upset.

I’m the kind of person that doesn’t like to ask for anything because of the fear of being rejected so when I do ask it takes a lot out of me.  I’m so uncomfortable and I’m hoping that by not asking for any help other times that the person I’m asking will say “yes.”  I do realize that things arise or I may be asking for help when there may be a previous engagement.  All I ask is that person will tell me that; I don’t want someone to tell me “yes, I can do it” but then never show up or call me.

All my fault

My mother in law knows this because I tell her to tell me if she can do it and if not please call me and let me know you can’t be there or won’t be able to help me.  I blame me mostly because I should know better than to ask her to do something for me but I guess I’m still upset because this was my fault and I’m angry w/myself.

I will say this to her defense she doesn’t do this all the time so a lot of times she can be unpredictable on dependability.  I did tell her last Friday “why do you do this only to me and not to my sister-in-law?”  I know I shouldn’t compare us but I just had to put it out there not that I haven’t said this to her before.

The mother I never had

Last thoughts:  I feel more comfortable with my mother in law that I do with anybody else including my family.  I don’t have anybody else to be honest but the thing about me is I will remove myself from the equation which means I’m upset.  I know it’s wrong but I don’t have it in me to just say, “it’s ok” and move on.  Any advice that will help me to become that person?  I’m open for scriptures as well.

DAY 43 When is it enough?

Just want to let you know that there may some things I write that will make you think I need to get over it and move on but please remember; all this is part of my emotional healing.

 

 

My mother in law & I get along pretty well and she does a lot for me and she calls me baby girl but I wonder just how much of it is true.  She has a way of saying something she feels you want to hear so I get mystified when she calls me baby girl. In my husband’s family she is the only one that knows about my childhood my past and I think she feels responsibility as a mom to do a lot for me, I think she feels sorry for me.  It’s too long to offer an explanation but that just my hypothesis.

I don’t want pity I just want her love but I know that love is conditional because of her son, my husband she always sides w/him so that’s why her love is conditional. I know that I’m closer to my mother in law then her other daughter in law because we laugh and share secrets and I listen when she’s hurting whereas my sister-in-law needs her for one thing and one thing only……to babysit. Since we don’t have any children she will ALWAYS do more for my husband’s brother and his family before us.

My solution: I don’t honor when she say’s she wants to get together because she is not a person of her word.  So when is it enough? I know Jesus say’s we must forgive 77 times but honestly it isn’t easy I get annoyed and hurt & it doesn’t do any good to talk to her about it because she always denies it, so what d I do?

DAY 42 A sad Thankful Heart

I spent Thanksgiving with my dad, step-mom and 2 out of my 3 brothers, it was unusually quiet day because my nephews were with their mother and my husband was with his mom,step -dad, grandma, brothers, his dad and step mom with nieces and nephews.  I was thankful to God for blessing me for all that He has given me, my life is modest but compare to the instability I’ve had my whole life I am living comfortable now.  Don’t misunderstand me I wish I was working being a paid writer but right now that is not in the cards for me and for now I’m ok with it until I can get an article published.

My smiles on Thursday were spurious because my husband and I were spending Thanksgiving apart.  We’re not separated by all means, thank God but he choose to spend his day with his family and not with me and because of his choice I was sadden Thursday.  He showed up to my dad’s around 5:30 p.m., I was so shocked because I didn’t think he was going to show up.  We went outside my dad’s and he told me that our marriage is of God and I believe that but like I mentioned on a previous day on my blog, he doesn’t defend me when it comes to criticism from his family or when it comes to choosing holiday time.

So there are no longer two but one. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” Matt. 19:6

We made up like we always do but I don’t see how you can put a band-aid on a broken limb.  I told him that we needed to seek godly help in church and come Sunday he played the “I’m so tired” card.  I wonder just how much longer that band-aid will hold?

band-aids don't fix a broken heart

Day 41 Truly Thankful

     It is a good thing to give thanks unto the Lord…. Psalms 92:1

Remember  not just for today but for always, give thanks to God for He is good and His love endures forever!

Wow, here I am writing this and I’m amazed on what I went through the last few weeks to be here now giving Thanks to God, in the good times and in the those days that are not so good. I am grateful for day 41 and for the company of my Christian Bloggers who have stood by me when I was alone and afraid……to change.  The encouragement has been overwhelming but in the most positive way.

Happy Thanksgiving and May God Bless you

this day

Day 40 A Recovering Victim

last year's pies-pumpkin; good, apple; dry

Today is the eve of Thanksgiving and this year I am grateful/thankful for those I have met through my blog, those that have touched my heart in a way that has never been touched before.  I have strangers who have never met me be kind to me and show much love and teachings to me.  I wonder how can that be possible but then I’m reminded of God’s word that say’s “with God, all things are possible” Phil. 4:13.  I’m not used to kindness and that can be because I’ve been ruthless myself but at times I have been gentle, sometimes to gentle because I get my feelings hurt.  Sticking to the topic at hand I will thank God for sending His son Jesus to die for me and for healing me.  I believe that I will be a recovering victim, no longer hurt from the past.

I am on my way to my cousin’s house to do our traditional baking, every year for the past 12 years it has been a disaster with our baking.  Our pies get burned or the pecan pie is too watery or our apple pie is over baked on the inside, the only thing we seem to have mastered is our pumpkin pie and I don’t even like pumpkin pie.  Nevertheless, this is a tradition I usually look forward to because even though our pies are disastrous we get a good laugh.  This cousin is one of the few family members that I am close too and she’s not an affectionate person but she’s the kind of person that everybody loves and to be in her company is usually enjoyable.

A personal note from me to you, my blessing this Thanksgiving and for what I am truly grateful to God this year is all of you that have participated in my journey for healing.  Thank you for never judging me but most of all thanks for encouraging me.